As the Noongar season changes, the stars and planets have made a plan for your existence behind your back. Luckily for you, I’m amazing at pretending to be a planet so I was able to sneak into the conversation get some intel for my human brethren.
GEMINI: Finding beauty in yourself is hard when your mirror is so filthy. Clean that monstrosity.
CANCER: Nothing is happening right now, which is nice. It won’t be nice when you need to do something, but enjoy the nothingness for now.
LEO: Venus is in retrograde, which isn’t particularly useful for your essay, but it could be worse (you could be stuck in a toaster!)
VIRGO: You have both Mercury and Mars in your sign, you greedy bastard. Stealing all the good energies, huh? Yeah, you should feel bad, but you’re not gonna, are you!
LIBRA: The season of Djilba brings a lot of flowers in its wake, and you too will flower in time. Whether you flower into a more miserable being, however, is up to you. The planets can only do so much.
SCORPIO: Who said being bored that nothing is happening anymore is bad? Me, I did. Have fun relaxing while feeling guilty about it.
SAGITTARIUS: Have you considered that you’re the problem? No of course not, because it’s obviously everyone else. Treat yourself with a lovely cup of tea with a side of repression.
CAPRICORN: Pluto is in retrograde, so shrivel up into a ball and clamber your way into a suitcase in the hopes that someone finds you and brings this new, heavy bag with them on their trip to Italy.
AQUARIUS: Things happened last month. Things are gonna happen next month! But this month? A whole lotta nothing. Take up journalling if you like blank pages.
PISCES: This upcoming season spells some tumultuous times ahead! Love the aggressively optimistic attitude in sad times babe, just maybe don’t pretend to be Superman and stand in front of a train.
ARIES: Look, I know you want to be tasteful and respectful of culture, but one of these days you have to admit it, those overly westernised versions of Indian food is amazing. Don’t feel bad, order the butter chicken.