Aries: ★★★ Good news! Your birthday is close! Bad news: so is The Man. Be wary of closing your bathroom cabinet, you might find a strange being behind your reflection.
Taurus: ★★ Don’t forget to look at the ceiling occasionally. You might find your lost wallet, or your dignity.
Gemini: ★ The Midland line won’t be the only that is down this month. Your weird friend is down to go on the vacation of your dreams and somehow turn it into your worst nightmare.
Cancer: ★★★ The stars will shine bright on to you this month, just don’t let those vile memories of getting fifth place in your third grade Easter Bonnet contest plague your brain. You deserved at least bronze. You know that.
Leo: ★★★★★ Look. I know you think it’s probably spam, but you’ve gotta trust me on this one. You did win that cruise to Barbados. Follow the white rabbit.
Virgo: ★★★★ You’ll find yourself on one of those chairs that barely function as a chair, and have the thought “Was this what Jesus went through?” I’ll quickly spell it out for you, no.
Libra: ★★ It’s not looking too great this month, but if you put a smile on your face, a spring in your step, and hide exactly 12 sticks between 10-30cm in your shoes no matter what, you’ll be ready for anything.
Scorpio: ★★★ Do you like wizards? No? Well maybe just keep wizards on the mind. It’ll come in handy.
Sagittarius: ★★ You know that journal you abandoned? It got sick of you not writing in it, and now it’s sentient and writing itself. All I’m saying is that you should probably find it before it writes something that can cancel you on Twitter.
Capricorn: ★★★★ It is foretold in the stars. You will get those Woolworths Chocolate Hot Cross Buns.
Aquarius: ★★ I know you’re tempted to write fanfic of Jesus Christ turning into his fursona (the Easter Bunny) and punching the devil in the nards. That’s just the Book of Revelations. Do your essay.
Pisces: ★★★ You might think that you have it all under control, but you don’t. Thankfully, April is a great month to do some light identity theft! Be a mother from Ohio, just for funsies.